A simple question (that's difficult to answer)

What is it you really want?

I’ve noticed that this single question frequently stops my clients in their tracks.

People can usually tell me about their next big goal, or the current challenge that’s keeping them from it.. and can often articulate clearly what they definitely DON’T want to happen.  But the words to express their deepest desires for their life are stubbornly elusive. 

A common reaction to this realisation is surprise, rapidly followed by discomfort and then frustration.  It doesn’t make sense not to know. It’s the feeling of realising something you once knew has been forgotten.

The question invites you to put aside your stories and to dream. We are so used to stopping our thoughts at the first hurdle – ‘well that’s never going to happen’ – that presenting a question that removes all of the limits tricks our brains into moving into a future most of us haven’t actually considered before.  It’s a slightly disconcerting feeling, floating untethered in the realm of possibility without the familiar constraints of ‘being realistic’ to cling to for safety.

Much of the reason we struggle with this question is that it is difficult for our brains to separate the ‘what’ from the ‘how’. The initial question raises deeper questions about who we are.  Who we believe we are, who we want to be, who we could be. Your brain works hard to make sense of things and to protect you from pain, so it struggles to resolve you identifying a desire you don’t believe deep down you have the ability to attain.  It’s a depressing doom loop that if not confronted, could keep you stuck forever.

The irony is, who we are cannot actually be defined. You are not a finished, fully formed human specimen, whatever your age. 

You have unlimited potential to change and grow.

That image you have of yourself in your mind, the way you think of yourself, don’t confuse that for who you really are. 

Imagine drawing a 2-dimensional cartoon image of yourself on a page. You would never for a moment confuse that drawing for yourself – you recognise it is just a representation of you.  You are far more complex and powerful than that representation.  

You are not the drawing - you are the artist. You are the creative force that brought the image into being.  Think about that for a moment. 

I will say it again - you have unlimited potential to change and grow. 

As Ben Hardy, psychologist and writer, puts it:

“None of us will ever fully realize our potential. Like a painting, none of us will ever be finished. At some point, we will simply end in an interesting place.”

So, what is it you really want?